二十八，從前種種譬如昨日死

明明今年的我時刻與文字為伍，然到此時，仍顯得有些不知從何處開始著墨。

這一年，發生了許多許多......仔細一想，二十八剛好是成年以來的十週年，

就當作進入三十大關之前的期中考吧。

先從簡單地複盤今年的各項成就指標開始好了，

今年嘗試了不少新活動如: 騎馬、打靶、瑜珈、游泳、跳水、獨木舟、開始用限動(老人?)

去過的地方: 西班牙塞維利亞、德國法蘭克福、柏林、斯圖加特、慕尼黑、奧地利維也納、捷克布拉格、斯洛伐克布拉提斯拉伐、瑞士蘇黎世、因特拉肯、西西里拉古薩

新身分: 公司最潮票選第二名、換日線專欄作者、仇女

參與過的挑戰(搞事): 一個月穿搭不重複挑戰、60天體態挑戰、料理挑戰

事業: 年度考績再次爆表

感情: 0

上一次生日提到了，關於情感上的自我察覺，到今年似乎更加顯著，對於諸多事情已毫無波瀾。

一覺醒來見到投資帳面少了幾十萬無動於衷，面對任何離別只覺得就這樣吧，無數個獨自的夜裡，我甚至已不再做夢。

同事兩年沒見過我生氣、上次傷心也彷彿許久以前，平時的笑容，也分不清是否發自內心。

可以隨時十秒落淚的我，感覺已近乎完全掌控了情緒。雖然偶爾覺得自己的情緒穩定，在發展任何關係上似乎不具優勢，

但至少目前的日子還算自在，畢竟已感受不到任何負面情緒。

就連被指稱為仇女時，與其說有情緒，或許更多的是無奈吧。

自己鮮少談感情的事，至今確實母胎單身，我爸甚至還懷疑過我是同性戀。

但其實有過一些曖昧對象，只是結果都......一言難盡。

一些經典的例子，比如發現曖昧對象其實已經有男友，而自己只是被玩玩罷了。

同一時間，無故斷聯的前曖昧對象打電話來找我說聊聊，結果哭訴被新的網戀對象劈腿，

還稱對方是自己的「初戀」，從沒對任何男人如此動情過。

在此之前的我則像個小丑一樣，以為自己才是那個「初戀」。

一路走來，一些女孩擅自闖進了我的生命，我則淪為「廁紙」般，最終什麼都不是。

儘管如此，自己仍時刻提醒女孩子預防渣男，偶爾傾聽女孩們對於生活上的各種紛擾。

對於沒有感覺的對象會直接跟對方劃清界線，因為覺得女孩子的時間寶貴不能耽誤人家。

偶爾跟我爸調侃他的專一基因在現代很不吃香，導致我只要有曖昧對象就容易錯失很多機會。

甚至曾經許過的生日願望是希望自己成為渣男。

然而，

曾經的我，去美容系選修頭皮養護，為得是希望有朝一日能幫心儀的她分擔三千煩惱絲。

平時的我，對於飲食沒有多大慾望，仍盼能一睹未來的那位因自己的料理而幸福的笑容。

現在的我，規劃未來、專注事業、充實自我，也都是希望未來自己不要成為那個豬隊友。

一直以來感情沒有及格過的我，或許不再過度期待，但仍保有憧憬。

說完自己的弱項，該來到吹噓的部分了。

去年轉正的時機剛好遇到年度考核，當時考核爆表所以試用期過後職階升遷，

今年考績又爆表，在現有職階又再度觸頂，所以明年升遷可以期待。

但老實說若能選的話，我倒是希望能只調薪不升遷，畢竟升遷事情會變多。

其實有時懷疑自己感情的運氣都跑到事業上，

連續兩次入職參與的專案最終以裁撤收場，但自己總會先被挖腳而倖免於難，

成為「少數遺孤」。

雖然當下可能會有愧疚感，覺得沒有跟團隊共進退，

但現在也已經習慣了，可能經歷過太多離別，也意識到自己能力有限。

自己一人在國外無依無靠，想當初加入馬爾他台灣人社團是預防萬一，

結果不只從沒發問過，反倒每篇文章都能見到我留言解答，幫助過人數不下數十位。

至於成為換日線專欄作者這件事，

其實起初只是把投稿當人生志願的一環，重在參與，沒有想過成真這件事。

為此我特地寫了一篇投稿，結果總編最後看上的反而是部落格裡的早期文章，只能說整件事都很出乎意料。

經營了兩年的部落格也終於在這時有了用武之地。

對了，文章系列進度目前已經超過三萬字，當中兩萬是這兩個月產出的，大概就是每日固定寫一篇500字作文的概念，

是希望能在今年完結，但懷疑目前可能連一半都還不到，估計最後完成會是一本長篇小說的文本量，可能是在換日線當小說寫的第一人。

總體而言，今年也是個忙碌且充實的一年，

在時間洪流推波助瀾之下，自己只能不斷向前，

「從前種種，譬如昨日死。從後種種，譬如今日生。」

就以這句，來為二十八歲的自己，畫下句點吧。

Twenty-Eight: Like the Past Dying Yesterday

This year, I’ve spent so much time with words, yet even now, I find it difficult to know where to start writing. This year has been filled with so much... On closer reflection, twenty-eight marks the tenth anniversary of adulthood, perhaps a midterm exam before turning thirty.

Let’s begin with a simple review of this year’s accomplishments:

• New activities tried: horseback riding, shooting, yoga, swimming, diving, canoeing, and even started using Instagram Stories (Am I getting old?).
• Places visited: Seville in Spain; Frankfurt, Berlin, Stuttgart, and Munich in Germany; Vienna in Austria; Prague in the Czech Republic; Bratislava in Slovakia; Zurich and Interlaken in Switzerland; Ragusa in Sicily.
• New identities: Voted second trendiest in the company, columnist for Crossing, and a “misogynist.” XD
• Challenges taken: Outfit challenge (not repeating outfits for a month), 60-day fitness challenge, cooking challenge.
• Career: Performance review rated as top
• Relationships: Still zero.

Last year, I mentioned increased self-awareness in relationships, and this year it seems even more pronounced. I feel indifferent about many things. Waking up to see tens of thousands gone from my investment account? No reaction. Facing any goodbyes? Just a sense of "oh well." During countless solitary nights, I don’t even dream anymore. Colleagues haven’t seen me angry in two years, and the last time I felt truly sad seems like ages ago. Even my usual smile feels hard to distinguish from genuine emotion. I can shed tears in ten seconds if needed, yet I feel I’ve nearly mastered my emotions. Though I sometimes think this emotional stability isn’t advantageous in relationships, at least my days feel peaceful. After all, I no longer feel any negative emotions.

When labeled a “misogynist,” I didn’t feel angry, just resigned. I rarely talk about my love life. I’ve been single since birth, and my father once even wondered if I was gay. In reality, I’ve had ambiguous relationships, but... the outcomes are too complex to explain.

Classic examples? Discovering that someone I liked already had a boyfriend and was just toying with me. Or when a former crush, who ghosted me, called to lament being cheated on by a new online boyfriend. She tearfully called him her “first love,” saying she had never been so deeply in love with a man before. Meanwhile, I had thought I was that “first love.” Over time, some girls have entered my life uninvited, and I’ve ended up as nothing more than disposable “toilet paper.”

Despite this, I still advise girls to beware of players and listen to their troubles. If I feel nothing for someone, I make it clear because I believe girls' time is too valuable to waste. Sometimes I joke with my father that his “faithful genes” are a disadvantage today, causing me to miss many opportunities. I even once wished to become a player.

Yet, the old me chose scalp care classes in cosmetology, hoping to one day help the girl I liked with her hair worries. I don’t have much passion for food, yet I dream of seeing her smile because of my cooking. Today, I plan for the future, focus on my career, and improve myself—hoping not to be a burden to a future partner. Though I’ve never succeeded in relationships, I still hold some hope.

Now, for the boasting part. Last year, I was promoted right after my performance review. This year, my performance was stellar again, maxing out my current level, so the next year could be expected. Honestly, I’d prefer a raise without the added responsibilities. Sometimes I wonder if my luck in relationships transferred to my career. Twice, projects I joined were shut down, but I was spared both times, becoming a “sole survivor.” I’ve grown used to it, realizing my abilities are limited. Alone abroad, I joined the Maltese-Taiwanese community as a safety net but never needed to ask for help. Instead, I’ve helped dozens through comments and advice.

Becoming a Crossing columnist was unexpected. Initially, submitting articles was just a personal goal. Surprisingly, the editor chose an old blog post instead of my submission. Now, my two-year-old blog has found purpose. The article series has exceeded 30,000 words, with 20,000 written in the past two months—like writing a 500-word essay daily. I hoped to finish it this year, but I suspect it’s only halfway done. It might end up as long as a novel, possibly the first one on Crossing.

Overall, this year has been busy and fulfilling. Time keeps pushing me forward.

"As the past dies like yesterday, the future is born today."

With this, I mark the end of twenty-eight.